Will You Do What It Takes?

How to stay driven, motivated, and also how to stay focused when you have a wobble, is something I certainly help people with. It's something I even discussed yesterday morning with a client about self-sabotage and proving yourself right. We were speaking in-depth about achieving particular tasks, goals, that she said she wants to achieve, but she is not making much effort to achieve them and she couldn't understand why. People, they overestimate what they can do in a week, a month, a year, etc. But they underestimate what they can achieve in a lifetime. For those people who don't know what this means, it means that you can do a lot of small things for a long time and it all adds up. It all adds up if you do lots of small things, it does create massive, massive change. When I say people overestimate what they can do in a day, in a week, in a month, is that people set unrealistic goals. This doesn't mean don't set a big, compelling vision. This doesn't mean, don't be a big thinker or a big dreamer. This means be realistic. Set smart goals, when I say smart goals, let me explain. 

Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and with a Timeframe.

Realistically, are you going to be able to achieve that? That's not being pessimistic or negative. Realistically, I'm not flying to the moon today. There is no chance, unless NASA come and picks me up from my office today am I flying to the moon and I don't think there's one planned. I don't know if you have to have a flight path booked and permission to go to the moon. I don't know. But I know if I set myself a task to go to the moon today, I will fail. And when I fail, I will beat myself up."See, I told you you weren't good enough, Ben."My brain will set myself that goal and will let me set myself the goal. Then when I can't complete it, it says, "See, I told you you're a failure," because I've not achieved my goal. I've not achieved the things I've set out to achieve. Whenever I talk to people and I ask them, "Do you really want to achieve that goal?" People start to question themselves if they really and truly want to achieve it. I always ask people when they say they want to do something and then their actions don't show it, "do you actually want it?" It's okay not to want the things you used to want. It's okay not to want to be with the people that you once wanted to be with. It's okay to want to move forward in your life. It's okay to develop yourself. It's okay to change these things. Your goals can be dynamic. You can move them along. They can evolve and change. You evolve and change consistently all the time. The world evolves and changes. We can go ebb and flow with it. We don't have to be rigid. When you talk about drive and motivation and focus and if you're struggling to achieve or maintain those things, is it because you're setting yourself up for self-sabotage or is it because you just don't want those things in the first place?

So many people do what they 'think' they should do.

 Or what other people tell them they should do. So when I say, "Hey, why are you not motivated?" They're like, "I don't really want this. My parents want this for me." Or "My friends told me I should be dating." Or "my children said this that and the other." Whatever it is, it's not "I really want this for me. I really want this for me and I'm going to do whatever it takes to get it." There are various different personality types, there are various different people in this world who have a different variation of what they are prepared to do to get what they want. Now, this is all not necessarily just about goal-setting, or about personality profile types. There are people who will do whatever it takes to get what they want and other people who will do whatever is potentially right with everyone else to get what they want and there's a difference. Some people are not as prepared to walk all over people as other people are. People are prepared to do sometimes whatever is necessary to get there, regardless of whatever it is. Other people are prepared to do what it takes, as long as it doesn't upset anybody else. As long as it's all right with everyone else and then obviously those people get different results than the other people, not necessarily better or worse. Sometimes people who step all over others in a corporate sector to get to where they want to go, end up with no connection, no love, and don't feel belonging. Realistically, this all loops back to belonging. Everyone wants a sense of connection in their life. Everyone wants to feel like they belong. If you don't feel like you belong in your family as a youngster or as a teenager, you then look for belonging, usually, young girls and young women start looking for belonging in men. You want to feel like you belong. When people come along and tell you great things about yourself, you seek that connection, that validation. You want to belong. Because you felt, for a long time, you didn't belong. Now that doesn't mean you're the odd one out. You don't feel like you have belonging and that's something we all crave, to feel that we belong and that's then where our motivation, our drive comes from. For example, you want to feed your children tonight. There's no other choice but to do this. You would have no hesitation or little hesitation or less hesitation on doing the tasks that you don't really want to do to feed your children tonight. If it was a straight shootout between feeding your kids and not feeding your kids or putting a roof over their head, you'd be doing whatever it takes. You wouldn't necessarily be doing whatever it took to please everyone else. You need to feed those children. That is a need, rather than a want and needs some with a whole lot more motivation than wants. When you change a want to a need, you decide it's a must. Because when you decide something's a must for you, there's no other option but to do it. For example, we all decide feeding our kids and housing our kids and all that stuff is a must. We must feed them. We must clothe them. We must do everything for them. We decide it's a must. When you decide something's a must, you will do it, regardless of whatever else is in your way. Self-belief, self-sabotage and fear, those things, if you had to feed your children or to protect your whole family, you'd suddenly not care so much about people's feelings, because you were trying to protect everyone's life. That fight or flight would kick in and suddenly, if it was the difference between surviving and not surviving, you'd suddenly find that your decision-making process would shift.

This is where a lot of the corporate people I work with, they are ruthless, because they want to get to the top. They don't care about everyone else. Outside of work, they may be lovely people but realistically, inside, they want to get there. They know everyone else is doing the same thing, it's a level playing field, because they're all trying to do it. They're all trying to do the same thing. But when you strip this back and when you find out people are not truly happy, it's because they don't have a sense of belonging. Because the reason why people are prepared to step on people or to do things that are maybe not as morally right is because they're trying to find a place to fit in. If they don't fit in, they act out. Just like kids at school. When children are misbehaving at school and there's no rhyme or reason for it, they're looking for attention, because they don't fit in. So they're looking for somebody to notice them. "Notice me. Give me a sense of belonging. Tell me I'm a naughty child. Give me the identity that I'm craving, because I don't know who I am." We do it as children. We do it as adults. As young adults. We do it as older adults, as parents.

We all want a sense of belonging.

 When you have kids, you suddenly have these kid friends, mum friends, dad friends, friends that have children. You have a new sense of belonging and although some people may not like being labelled as 'the parent', we all get this new identity that's attached to us. We've now become a parent. We're a parent. That's who we are now. Sometimes, you become a parent and that's all you become. You let the old person go. Whereas other people, they say, "well, I'm still Ben. But I'm also daddy Ben and I'm still normal Ben." You can still keep both of these identities. Other people, because of circumstance, because of feeling, they often lose their identity or let their identity go away to become just mum. That's where sexual chemistry in a relationship goes. That's where your friendships sort of die out. You do not focus on yourself as much. You start to just be just a mum. When you're focused on something else, you lose your identity. If you're so focused on work, you lose parts of yourself because you're so focused on these things and this is why identity and belonging are so important because you focus so hard on them that everything else goes by the wayside. Then people start to ask, "Why did that relationship not work out?" It's because you haven't put any work into it. It's like a plant. You didn't feed it so it died, or it's certainly wilting. You need to look after it. You need to look after yourself. This is why like "self-love", people think this is a wishy-washy term.

Self-love is so important.

 You need to look after yourself. That's not just physically, or emotionally, it's all of it. You need to look after yourself. To circle back around, all this stuff links to your motivation, there is something that's obviously blocking your reason why. Whether it's success or goal-setting or whatever it is for you because you're trying to self-sabotage because you're trying to prove to yourself that you are correct, that you are not good enough, that there's something wrong with you. Lots of people are doing this, you're not the only person, lots of people are self-sabotaging now without even realising it. They're setting goals and then deliberately not doing them, they're not deliberately setting out to not achieve, they're just not achieving the goal. They're not doing what they set out to, because it's self-sabotage. They're deliberate, in their heads, they're saying to themselves, "See, I told so. See, you're not good enough. There's something wrong with you. You're not right." This is what we do as humans, we set ourselves up to fail, to prove ourselves right. We fail on purpose, and then beat ourself up for something that was either unachievable or deliberately designed by our own brain to hurt us. Even though, as I've said, our brains are there to protect us. We do this to hurt ourselves. It is literally a form of self-harm. We're just trying to punish ourselves. It's so common. So many people are doing it. So, now we need to work out why you are doing it and then fix it. So motivation and staying focused, staying focused is really easy when you know what you want to achieve. We need to look at

Strategy, Story, State.

 The strategy is the strategy we're running, for example, if you're not staying focused, you need a strategy, a practical process to achieve your goal. My mindset is a positive mindset that's focused and driven to achieve my goal because I have my goal set. Let's look at the facts. Let's not look at your opinion, because your opinion and your emotions are variables, whereas business, for example, with Facebook ads, I can see that Facebook ad is working because these numbers prove it. You can see the data. I know which things work. With your emotions, you have to look at how you feel, you're trying to see the fact that certain things make you feel a certain way and just be honest with yourself.

People often try to amend the facts to fit their emotions, rather than just seeing what the facts are and then judging their emotions from the facts. What this means is that people tell themselves a story. Your belief systems are deliberately telling you a false story to help you fulfil the beliefs that you hold, that you aren't good enough, or clever enough, or talented enough, you tell yourself the story to self-sabotage. You're filling yourself with this story that you failed last time so you're going to fail this time. If you try anything with the expectation that potentially you might fail or you're going to fail, you're already half doomed. As I've told you, there are two sets of people. There are people who, like me, who have high self-esteem, who believe, "It's not my fault. There is a fault, but it's not my fault."  Then there are people who say, "There's a fault. It's all my fault." I'm someone who thinks, "Clearly there's a problem. But the problem, I mean, I do obviously have faults. But I am not the fault. I am not the sole fault. There are other factors that are here." Because I'm confident within myself. I'm not saying I'm perfect. But I'm saying there are faults. It's not all me. Other people believe, "There are faults. It must be me. It's all me. It can't be anyone else. It's all me." So when you believe that, that's the story you're telling yourself, which affects your mindset, then you look at your strategy and you believe it's all your fault and you go to that default place of, "it's all my fault, see. I knew it was never going to work. It's all my fault." That's a negative, unresourceful place to be in. You need to get yourself out of that place where you believe it's all your fault through state control, through story control. Tell yourself a different story and change your strategy. The strategy is about having a strategy to actually do it, you need to be realistic with yourself, we do all have faults, we don't always do things right and we have to look at the facts. Not how we feel about it. Not how much we want to protect our kids from it. We have to just look and think, objectively, "what did I do there that could be improved on?" Asking yourself positive questions will make your brain find positive and helpful answers. 

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