We are all Selfish

I saw a quote posted recently and it said: "You need to stop bullshitting yourself." Someone else then went on to say that this was something I would say, and they’re right; it’s definitely something I would say. I would actually say: "Stop bullshitting yourself." We're all selfish. What I mean by selfish though may surprise you as I don’t mean it as a bad thing. It means we all do things to meet our own needs, whether that's consciously or subconsciously. Why we find ourselves in relationships, or taking certain types of behaviour from relationships, is to meet our own human needs. If we want to feel significant, or feel certainty, we will stay in the relationship that doesn't necessarily make us feel very good because we want to hit our human needs. People don’t like it when I say this, but I find it funny because humans are naturally selfish. They look out for themselves. Although we look after our family, the reason why people look after their kids selflessly, even in selfless acts, is because it is still serving some need for you. You look after your children because you believe it's the right thing to do – this also makes you feel like you're a good parent. This means that you are, in some roundabout way, meeting one of your human needs. Although selfish is probably not the right word, I don't have the right word to mind, so selfish is the closest word to it.

Everything we do is trying to meet a need, or a standard, or an expectation that you have of yourself. Why you do certain things the way you do them, in the way you do them, is because of your own belief system around what you think is okay to do, and how to behave. I used this example yesterday with a client, and I'll go into more detail now. I was talking the other day on a hot seat call about somebody working for free, because that's one of the best ways to give people value. If you're looking to get a new job, if you're looking to advance your career, get new expertise, get new knowledge, you can offer to work for free! Lots of people I know and work with are single parents, so they have limited amounts of, not necessarily availability, because availability is something they do have. They have time, but they can't necessarily go out of the house. They can't go to a job, but they have time, so they can get themselves into a position where they can do stuff for other people, they can give real value. Interesting enough, there's something I saw happen, and it was actually in the mastermind group. It made me think about human behaviour, and obviously I think about human behaviour a lot. I've spoken about this a lot, but it was a long time ago, about giving value before you ask for something back in return.

Now, lots of people think that it's sometimes about relationships, or business, or money, but it's not actually. It's about everything we do. People's default setting, especially when they go through a breakup, or go through some sort of loss is: "Why should I go first? You should do things for me before I do things for you." But obviously, most of you guys will sit right now and go: "Well actually, no, I took lots of abuse. I tried this. I tried that. I tried everything to make that relationship work, and it didn't work, even though I tried everything." My argument would be, obviously there are certain circumstances where I have worked with people who have tried almost everything, and it destroyed them in the process, but I have worked with a majority of people who've tried everything, not necessarily just in a relationship. They've tried everything. When I say, "Everything?" They say, "Well, I've tried all sorts of things." I'm like, "So, how many things?" They try the same three things over and over again. It just didn't work. So, you tried the same strategy over and over again that didn't work, rather than trying something that actually the other person needed. And it's very difficult, and I wanted to take this on a generalised scale. If you're being abused, I mean, physically assaulted every day, I don't expect you to try and people will always take this wrong from some of the videos, when I talk about narcissistic abuse. I don't expect people to do this if they're in that sort of situation, but if you're in a relationship that's not that like this, and it is just unhealthy and you want to change things, you can be the one that goes first. You can change yourself to suit that other person. When I say suit the other person, you don't have to be a doormat. That's not what I'm saying, but you can communicate in the way that they want to be communicated with. You can give love in the way that they receive love. You can speak in their love languages. You could always go first. It takes a certain level of maturity, and it takes a certain level of want to be able to do this. Giving without expectation is rewarding in its own right. The key to living is giving, but in relationships, you'll find that when you're in a relationship and you give something with an expectation of getting something back, you'll always find yourself disappointed, because that person will never. Not never but will often not give back in a way that you see it the same. But that's through miscommunication. Miscommunication can be why you don't get love back in the same way that you give love, because that person doesn't know how to give it to you in the way that you want it, because you never told them. Women always go: "Men don't understand women." Men think that: "Women don't understand men." It's because we don't communicate how we want to feel loved, because nine times out of 10, most people don't know how they want to receive love. They don't even know how they feel loved. They don't know what their love languages are. They don't know themselves. How the hell can they expect anyone else to understand them and give them what they need, in terms of their emotional needs, if they do not know themselves?

This is something I massively focus on, but my point about selfishness, and about giving without the expectation of receiving is that everyone wants something first. Everyone wants something first, well not everyone, but often people want something before they're prepared to give anything to themselves, which can be money. In the past you used to go into a shop to try stuff on. If you liked it, you'd buy it. If you didn't like it, you’d put it back. Now the world's moved onto a place where you can buy nearly everything online and have it delivered right to your door – if it comes and you don't want it anymore because of any reason at all, you can send it back for free. They even have to pay for the postage back. You don't have to. You don't have to keep it. This shows that although people think companies control the world, it is actually the mass market that controls the world. Over time lots of things have changed in the world, and if you're catching on to what I'm saying right now, the message is hidden in my metaphors. These days you can do what you want. Even the biggest company in the world, Amazon, understand that they now have to give, after you pay them, but they send it, knowing that there'll be a horrific amount of returns, as they do have a policy where you can send shit back. Basically, with Amazon you try before you buy. This goes against the how companies used to work; you would have to buy stuff from them, and as soon as you’ve used it, you can't refund it. You can't take it back. You can't take it back. Amazon realised: "The world's fucking changing. We have to stay in front, and the way to do that is to offer more than our competitors do. We want to be better than everybody else. We want to give more to our clients. We want to serve," because their main purpose is serving. Amazon is now the biggest company in the world. They turn over the most money. They're a huge company. Jeff Bezos, who is the founder and CEO of Amazon, is the richest man in the world because he's so motivated about, "How can I please those customers?" Because customers matter. Because customers are the ones who buy the stuff.

The reason I use this business metaphor is because for humans buying stuff is one of the biggest markets in the world. This works the same in relationships. How can I please my partner? Now I'm not talking to those of you who are getting punched in the face every day, or if you're being abused every day. For those of you in that place, I’m so sorry and I’d recommend checking out this post or checking out my Mastermind Community of women who have been through similar things. But, if you're unhappy in your relationship, the only person you can control is yourself. How do I get that person to see things in the way that I see them? Okay, maybe that's not possible. How do I get that person to at least open their blinkers to see how I feel? They may not agree with the way I see the world, because I've got my experiences, my childhood, my relationship experience, my friendship experience, what I've been through. They may never see things the way I see them, but if they at least understand how I see them, maybe they'll see what I'm saying just a slight bit different. Often, people just don't take the time to do this. People shout and yell and then think: "Well, this isn't getting us anywhere." Actually, shouting and yelling is a form of communication. Arguing is communication; it's just not a very good form. Often you achieve less than if you communicate with somebody in a manner that is effective for them. I’m going to relate this to a business scenario again; as it's all the same thing. It’s all about People. Humans, are humans no matter the setting. When you're a manager of a team, you go "I need to achieve my goals. How do I achieve my goals? I make my staff happy, and then my staff will then work for me" You don’t think that you have to be second, that doesn't work. It doesn't work. You have to be the one who takes charge of your own destiny, and when I say destiny, I mean you have to be the one who takes charge. You're the only person in control of your own life. You're the only person in control, and how that means is you change, and bend, and adapt until you get the result you want, unless you obviously, again, as I said there's a slight caveat. You don't have to bend your standards, and it depends on how much you want the fit, the result, versus how much you are prepared to compromise to get there. Obviously, if you compromise your self-respect, your self-worth, and everything about yourself to get the result you want, you compromise who you are. For example, if the result is love and: You compromise your self-worth You compromise your standards You compromise yourself When you get to love, if you ever get to love, you won't want it, because you didn't do all the things that's right with you. You have to be right with yourself in the way that you do these things. This leads onto your values and beliefs. You have to operate within your values and beliefs. Yes, you can do whatever it takes, as long as they go within your values and beliefs. Now, some people's values and beliefs are very, very, very different, which is why: Some people will push people under the bus to get ahead in business Some people will sleep their way to the top People will do any number of things to get ahead in life. People will do it. People will use their resources, and people moan about it. Lots of people moan about people who have support from their families and parents. Lots of people bitch saying, "Oh, that person had loads of money from their parents." Yeah, so what? So what? They then took that opportunity and they ran with it. If you had the opportunity, you would take it and you'd run with it. If you don't take it and you didn't run with it, you're an idiot, because they used their resources to get them somewhere. But everyone wants to sit about and consume and say, "Why is everyone else being successful and I'm not." Yes, they had more money than you. Yes, they were given the head start. Yes, they knew people, but that isn't everything. If you took all the money off the richest people in the world right now and dispersed it across the whole world, it would not be very long until all of those people had all of the money back in their hands. The reason why is because one, they know how to do it, and two, they accept nothing less for themselves. They do not accept less than their standards of having X amount of money, or X amount of significance, or having X amount of companies. They do not accept the same standard, because they have that standard inside them. This is the same with your relationships. If you're wondering why you bounced from one relationship: To another To another To another To another And these were unsuccessful, or you were cheated on, or abused, you have to look at the one common denominator. That person is you. It does not mean that things are your fault It does not mean that it was your fault that you were punched in the face repeatedly  Never does it mean that.  It means that what did you do? Did you choose that person? Yes, you did. Why did you stay in that relationship, even though there were red flags? There are things that you can depict through the situations that you've found yourself in, especially if they're repeat situations. Why ha that happened/why did I let that happen to me? This comes back down to whether it's your childhood, whether it's the things you went through, whether it's about the thing that you're trying to go for. Take me for example. I will do whatever it takes to get to my result. Obviously, my values and beliefs then come in and I do what I think is acceptable to get there. There are certain things I won't do, and there are certain things I will do to get to what I want. But this is the difference: I never give up my self-confidence. I never give up my self-worth. I never give up my self-esteem for no one, and this is where my own self-belief is so strong that I have and will always be the way; if someone doesn't like how I am, they don’t have to read my stuff or watch my videos. I've told people before, if you don't like what I have to say, just go. Like, it's my platform. This doesn't mean I'm right. This doesn't mean you have to listen to me. You don't have to listen to anything I say. You can take it all, listen to it, use the parts you like, don't use the parts you like, whatever. If you just don't like it, don't listen. Easy. Everyone's so busy getting offended on the internet. The fastest way to get un-offended is scroll the fuck past, but all this stuff interlinks. People will look to insult you and stuff. They're insecure. Insecurity is in everyone. It's just how you deal with your insecurities. We all have insecurities. We all have things that we want to not change about ourselves, but just know that we're all insecure about certain things. The reason why people tell people that they're not good enough is because they don't feel good enough. Why? Think for a moment. What have you just read that: Made you go, "Huh?" Made you upset? Made you angry? Made you angry at me? Made you angry at your ex? Made you angry at your friend? Made you angry at your family? What got that response? If the shoe fits, you should wear it, and you should own it. Instead of running away from your problems, you should face up to them. Going into the garden chanting, "There are no weeds," does not get weeds to go away. Yes, faking it until you make it does have some merit. People who embody physiology of a successful, happy, confident person, it does make you feel, like psychologically and physically better to fake it until you make it. Apart from the fact that affirmations are only part of the thing, going into the garden and chanting at the weeds, "There's no weeds, there's no weeds, there's no weeds," will not do anything.

Going into the mirror and saying, "I am a strong, independent woman," every day will make you feel better than you currently feel, but you have to actually go into the garden, put your hand right into the soil, and then you have to put your hand a little bit further into the soil, into the sewage of your life, and pull out the root cause of what's been going on. And nine times out of 10, that's buried very, very deep, because you don't want no fucker to see what the problem is, because you think that's the biggest problem, and that's what people are not going to love you if they knew that about you. People are not going to care about you. You're insecure about that one thing, because the root cause is buried. Even when someone directs you to the root cause and makes you look at it, you'll make an excuse, or make a story, or make a reason about why it's not that thing, because that thing is the thing you don't want to deal with. That's the only thing that's going to get any reaction, get any change. It's dealing with the truth, which is why I don't spend that much time talking about famby-pamby bullshit. I'm like the real problem is this: If you want to change that, let's go on the journey together. Let's go back over the times of your life that have had significance and have impacted you. Why did you make those decisions in those moments? Yes, obviously at the time, you thought you were doing the best decision. I don't believe many people live their life going, "I'm going to make a decision that's going to ruin my life, and I'm going to knowingly, consciously do this, knowing the effects it has." I don't believe many people do that. I believe people make a decision in the moment that they think is for the best, with good intentions for themselves, for everybody else, and obviously it doesn't work out like that. I don't think many people go through life going, "I'm going to purposely, consciously fuck my life up, over and over and over again, just for shits and giggles." Now, people do subconsciously self-sabotage their whole life, but not consciously. They don't sit there and go, "You know what? I'm going to make this bad choice, and I know it's a bad choice. I'm going to make it knowing that I'm going to get hurt from it." Not many people do that. So what will you do?

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