I Tried So Hard To Make It Work

Talking about why people are not good enough is a very difficult topic because why he decides to leave and go and be with somebody else is just something I can never know because I don't know this person. When I work with clients, I can often help them to see the reasons why the other person didn’t feel loved, wanted or needed, because men are just as insecure sometimes as women, and they have to be treated the same way with the same level of capacity – this often doesn't happen. It’s the same cycle: Men don't feel loved. Men don't feel secure. Men don't feel certain in the relationship. Therefore, they cheat. There's lots and lots of studies about why men cheat versus why women cheat. Statistically sexual satisfaction is the largest reason of why men cheat, but the main reason why women cheat is lack of emotional satisfaction. Again, this is all just studies, and all just percentages, but the main reason why women cheat is because they're not being fulfilled emotionally. The main reason why men cheat is because they're not being fulfilled sexually. But, again, and you can talk about people's different sex drive, you can talk about different people's emotional drive, or emotional needs. Some people don't need a lot emotionally to feel loved. This comes right back to the love languages. Some people don't need much to feel loved. Others need a lot to feel loved, and no matter what you do, you can never go right, you can never do enough; they'll always try and find a way to dismiss the things that you say, the things that you do, the things that you give, the way that you touch, the way that you act. People will find a way if they want to not feel loved. If they're looking for a way to not feel loved, they will find one. So, sometimes people say to me: "But I've done all of this stuff to help my partner feel loved. I've tried everything you said, Ben." Although whenever anyone says, "I've tried everything," they haven't. You've never tried everything. But when people have tried a lot of things over a long period of time, to the point where they cannot or do not want to try any longer, they say to me: "I've done everything. I've tried everything. I've tried all of the different love languages. I've tried to communicate in all the different ways. I've tried this style, I tried that style, I tried this, I tried that. I've tried every combination that I can reasonably think of and reasonably give myself to try."  Then they say it didn't work for that person.

I believe there's no such thing as this whole not good enough. There is no such thing as not being good enough for somebody else. Who are they to decide? You just weren't right for them, or what you were doing wasn't right for them in those moments, in that moment when they needed to feel loved, in that moment when they needed to feel financially or financially safe, or they needed you to just step up and hoover the house. They may not have felt love in the moment when they needed it the most, or they may not have felt needed in the way that they needed it the most. A pivotal moment in their life, they may have made a decision that impacts the whole of their life on an impulsive thing that you did or did not do that did not meet or did meet one of their needs. Or they cheated on you because somebody else met their need greater than at a precise moment that they needed it. There's so many reasons; you can go on until you're blue in the face about the different reasons why people look elsewhere to be satisfied and feel fulfilled. But I always say that some people cannot be pleased, and the reason why they can't be pleased is because they're looking for something else. So, if somebody doesn't want to feel loved, if somebody tells themselves enough that they're not lovable, there's nothing that someone can love about them. You could do everything and anything for that person, but if they didn't shift what they believe within themselves, they won't feel loved. Now, this is very relevant to you guys who are thinking "I'm not lovable", because you won't see any love coming from anybody, because if you don't love yourself, you'll never see somebody trying to show you love. You'll only ever take the negatives, and you'll only ever see what you're looking to find. For example, if someone give you this compliment: “I love you how you are, but if you wanted to change, you could this with your hair, or do this with your body, or do this with your career.” Do you hear: "I could change. I should be better." Whereas if you're somebody like me, and someone says: "I love how you are when you swear, but you know, sometimes you're too abrupt with me, so it’d helpful for me if you could be a little more sensitive around that particular topic, because that one hurts me a little bit. That one’s a sore subject.” I would take that as a compliment that they like my direct style, but I can improve for them in a different way. Then I’d look at the constructive criticism and be like: "Cool. I will try." I would try as much as I could to change something to make that person feel happier in that moment with that communication. People with self-confidence will literally find the positive and will find the compliment in anything. That's not having an ego, that's not being a dick, that's not being selfish. People with self-confidence will literally find whatever they want in a sentence to serve themselves. So if someone says, "You're pretty annoying" to me, I just hear, "You are pretty." This is a little bit of a joke, but it's true. That's not selfish, to find goodness in situations, to find positivity, to find happiness and love in situations and sentences that people say to you. That's not selfish. That's what lots of people get wrapped round their head, "I'm being selfish for thinking of myself." Well, kind of, if you determine "selfish" means thinking for yourself. But you're meant to think about yourself. It's your life. Life is yours. It's your life. If you don't spend your life thinking about yourself, and when I say "yourself", I do mean your children as well. It’s okay to be happy. But as I was saying a lot of people that I work with tell me they don't feel love from their partner. They could have done anything; they could have literally done anything for you, and it would never have been right, because you didn't believe that anything they said, or anything that you do is right. You're not good enough for yourself, therefore when they tell you they love you, you don't listen to it. If they tell you they love you and you want to be told, you'll decide you actually wanted to be shown. If they show they love you, you’ll change that so that you want them to instead think about you whilst while they're away and buy you a fridge magnet. If they do that, and they do all the other three, you'll say, "Well, you don't spend enough quality time with me." And then they spend loads of time with you, you'll say, "Well, it wasn't quality time." If somebody doesn't want to feel love, they will deliberately push anything that they do away from them, even if this is subconsciously.

This is the same with men. Men will go find significance and certainty by sleeping with multiple women, for example. Or men won't sleep with multiple women; they will leave you, in your relationship, your marriage, your children, whatever it is, and they'll go into another relationship, and they'll move in instantly. And you're like: "How the hell can you go whilst I'm heartbroken trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and my life and my love, and move in with them, and just carry on a life?" Potentially if they've got kids, and I know a lot of people who have done this, who've moved in with their kids. They're just like: “You've moved families. You've just moved families. How has that happened? Whilst I'm heartbroken, how have you moved families?” That man is trying to find a need or meet a need for themselves. What's he trying to achieve by doing this? Miraculously enough, over two weeks, over three minutes, the fact that you broke up and he's in that relationship, his need becomes incredibly obvious to me. When a man leaves you and cheats on you to go with another woman, what he's getting with them that he wasn't getting with you? I'm not saying it's right, and I don't agree with the behaviour at all, but it's very easy to see that the man wasn't feeling happy in his old relationship. He wasn't feeling like he was getting what he needed, hence why he jumped to a new one. In six months' time, he may not be feeling the same way anymore, and now he might want to come back. If you've been with an ex, and every six months, they try and pull you back in again and you go through this loop of situations, they're not getting their needs met elsewhere, but you think: "Well, why is he treating me like this? Why is he sucking me back in?" Ultimately it always comes down to why are you not good enough? But if you spend your whole entire life trying to figure out all of what I've just said about somebody else, you’ll waste your time as you couldn't do enough. There is a place to understand why your relationship with that person, or your previous relationships didn't work out. From your beliefs around your childhood, from beliefs around what happened with that person, everything like that. But there comes a point where you can't change that person, unless you obviously have contact with them still because you have children; there's no need to continue. It has a place, and it has an important place of setting you, and finding out what's happened to bring you to where you are today, but there comes a point where if you spend your whole life wondering and thinking and trying to figure out why you were not good enough for somebody who decides to leave you and hurt you and cause you pain, you will let somebody who would love you and care for you and cherish you, walk straight past you, because you're spending your whole of your energy, your love, your time, everything, worrying about and wondering about someone who's not worrying about you. Now, your ex may be doing it for selfish reasons. They may love you still somewhere deep down, they may just be trying to find the need, there may be trying to do a whole load of things. There could be a million and one things that you could learn about yourself from their actions, which is why I say it has a place. It has a place to find out why things happened with that relationship, get the unanswered questions answered. And when I say unanswered questions, I don't mean from him. If he lied to you, and he cheated on you, nine times out of ten, if he tells you what happened and he tells you all this stuff, you won't believe him. And if he tells you have flaws, you won't listen to him, or you'll listen to him and over-exaggerate those flaws. If he tells you that you've put on a bit of weight and you were unhappy at home, you'll exacerbate that into, "You're a fat, ugly mess who was always miserable at home," and you'll run away with yourself, because you're trying to self-sabotage your own feelings. As I say, it has a place to figure out what has gone on in your life, and what is going on in your life, and what's gone on in your life previously as in childhood and all the way up and round your values and beliefs and why you believe the things you do about love and connection and human relationships and everything around that. To do with your own parents, to do with the first relationships that you had, and why your relationships and your relationship history has been the way it has. But there comes a point where if you spend your whole life worrying and wondering about why you're not good enough for somebody who ultimately has chosen not to be with you, you'll let somebody who is ready and waiting and deserving of: Your time Your effort Your love Your praise Your attention Your energy Your confidence Your focus Go past you. They will go straight past you, because your head is either buried in the sand, not wanting to deal with the shit that's happened, because you just think that burying your head in the sand will fix it, which I'm here to tell you, it won't. Or they go past because you’re still chasing after reasons and answers from somebody who won't give you them, and if they did give you them, you won't believe them anyway. What is the point?

I've talked about this before: simplicity and easiness is something that messes with us as our human brain. If you’re British this will probably mean more to you than others, but British people, unless it's difficult, we think that it's rubbish. So, if I tell you there's three simple steps to just get over everything, and just move on with your life and be happy, people will go: "That's not complicated enough. That won't work." So if I tell people that, they go, "Bollocks. Bollocks." Whereas Americans love the simple, easy steps. "Yeah, ooh ray, Yeah! Woo! Yeah, woo, yeah, wooooh!" Americans are different, and that's obviously a massive sweeping generalisation, but the American vibe is much, much different to the UK vibe, the British people. We are different. We love complicated stuff. It has to be complicated. If it's not complicated, it's rubbish. It won't work. It's not worth doing. So, people make things really complicated. Right there, if you're sat there at home going: "So he's talking about this being so easy. It's so complicated for me." You're making it complicated; you're making your life so complex. Now, I'm not saying your situation and your circumstances are not complex. They may very well be complex. But you're making your feelings just as complex, because this makes it harder for you to understand. If you come on the phone to me, and explain your story in all its complexity, and you go, "Hah!" you won’t be the first person. Lots of people go to me: "I'm too broken for your help. I'm too broken for it. It won't work, but I will pay you to help me." Clearly there's a disconnect, because they'll pay me to help them because they believe full well that I've got the answer and I'll be able to help them, but they'll also tell me that they're broken and they're never going to be fixed. This happens so much. And I get them to talk, and they tell me about this complicated set of situations, and complicated set of feelings, and everything that's complicated. They talk about their feelings, they talk about their scenarios, their situations. And I go, "Bim, bam, bim, bim, boom!" Five things, and they go, "That's the reason behind it all." Afterwards they're like: "Oh shit." Every time, people go: "Oh. Oh shit." Because it's normally really sometimes very simple, but it's sometimes so simple, we try to make it so complicated for ourselves so that we can't work it out. The reason for this is because if we made it easy for ourselves and we could work it out, then we wouldn't have a problem any more. And if we didn't have a problem any more, we wouldn't be that woman, or we wouldn't be that man, who has anxiety, or has depression, or is the person who got left. We give that thing an identity, because without our ex, and without that story of how atrocious life has been to us, how unfair things are for us, who are we? We hide the truth from ourselves. We play the hide the queen, you know when they have three cards and one of them is a queen and people move them around? Or there's a ball and a cup? We hide the truth from ourselves, because we want to do that to ourselves. Because if we didn't, we'd just stop. If we took away that significance of our story, the fact that we’ve been through some shit, we lose that part of our story, and everyone won’t feel sorry for us anymore, and we won’t be able to feel sorry for us either. So, we'll never do anything. This may feel like harsh advice, but this doesn't take away from what you've been through. It's not about what you've been through, it's about where you want to go. If you want to live in the past, crack on. But my advice would be not to live in the past. My advice would be always to look for what you can change and move forward in, regardless of what's happened to you. Being left by somebody, and leaving somebody that's shit, and going through all that, or going through something as a child that's really affected you, could either drive you or divide you. This is the same as humans in groups; whenever you put a group of humans together, whether it's male or female, male and male, women and women, they'll either fuel each other and create energy, or they'll divide. It's about what happens when people divide, or when people fuel and fight for each other; these things really show who people really are. Because only when people are challenged, and their perceptions are challenged about how they feel about themselves, how they feel about other people, how they feel other people feel about them, and you challenge people's behaviour, then the truth comes out. Lots of times, people do a number of various different things to hide things. They: Point the finger at other people Blame other people blame themselves blame their ex blame everything under the sun apart from themselves Some people do the opposite: They blame themselves for everything and nothing else is anybody's fault.  Everyone has a different way of doing this. Some people do it kindly; they kindly beat themselves up. Some people beat themselves up horribly, in nasty ways, and that sometimes can include physical harm. There's lots of ways that people take it out on themselves, or take it out on other people because they don't know how to deal with it. If there's things that you're left thinking, and you're wanting to ask, and it's stoked up things, whether it's right now or whether you spend the whole day thinking about this stuff going: "How does this apply to me? What one am I? What's my love language? What's my human needs? What's my relationship like? What were my previous relationships like? Why am I not succeeding? Why this, why that?" Then reach out. Make some difference, because the only thing that will change you is changing you.

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