How To Build Self Confidence and Communicate.

Self confidence is built inside of you, you create it, it is not given to you. To build confidence, is like building anything else, you have to do it one piece at a time and reprogram yourself to have confidence. Programming is about discipline and about repetition. Things do not happen for you, you don't become a master, and you don't master things, you don't have mastery on any particular topic unless you repeat. You repeat, and you learn, and you repeat, and you learn, and you learn, and you learn. You don't become a master at something by doing it once and it either works or it fails or anything in between. It takes time to master anything. To have true mastery, it's repetition, the repetition of either positive thoughts, or negative thoughts, and belief systems is the key. Obviously being a self confidence coach, people frequently ask me how to get more confidence. People actually don't want the confidence, and you may disagree with me, but there's an outcome you have that you think confidence is going to give you. You want to be able to say and do what you want and have the lifestyle, communicate effectively with your ex, and do all the other things that you want, get that job promotion, speak to that guy, whatever it may be. You want the confidence to be able to do that. Other people tell me they want to control their emotions. To learn how to control their emotions but the biggest question I have, is why? Why this is going to benefit you, why you want to get the confidence or what you think the outcome is going to be or what you want the outcome to be from having the confidence, from being able to control your emotions. Once you know the why, that's basically where everything reverse engineers from. Why do you want the thing that you thinks going to help you get to the end goal because when you know why you want the confidence, you can start putting the steps in to create it.

For example, "I want the confidence to be able to say what I want and do what I want." Okay, let's break that down. Who do you want to say what to? "I want to say this to my ex." That's a straight forward goal. 1 - Is it measurable? You either have achieved it or you haven't. You either said that or you haven't said that. Measuring your confidence is very difficult therefore you don't actually ever know if you've improved it. You may feel more confident in any given moment. But you may not feel more confident in any given moment. But, have you said that thing to that person, yes or no? You've achieved your goal or you haven't achieved your goal.2 - Is it achievable? Yes, it's an attainable, achievable goal. Saying that thing to that person as long as it is a person that you actually have a way to contact them, if I said, "I'd love to say something to Bill Gates." I don't have Bill Gates' phone number, so I can't. It's not an easily achieved goal. I'm not saying it's not achievable, it's just a much more difficult goal than telling you guys something. That's an achievable, attainable goal I can achieve right now.3 - It is realistic? Is it realistic to be able to think that you're going to be able to complete that goal? Yes, it's achievable. It's a tangible goal. I want to say this thing to this person. This is where you may question yourself. That's not realistic that I'm going to say that. That's self-doubt. It's still a realistic goal. Just because you're not sure how realistic it is to you, it is a realistic goal.4 - Does it have a time frame? When do you want to achieve that goal by? Do you want to set yourself a time frame, and I suggest to actually make any tangible goal a realistic goal, you set a timeframe. It's very simple. We have just created a straight forward goal. What's the actual thing you're looking to achieve? Let's make it an actual tangible result based goal. So now you've got a goal. Confidence is something you think you need to be able to achieve that goal. There are probably other things that you need to achieve that goal. For example, resources. To say that thing to that person, you may need a mobile phone, you may need an email, an internet connection. There are practical things you need to achieve goals, and there are emotional things you need to achieve goals. The emotional things would be confidence, strength, power, communication skills, things like this.

Using this example. "I want the confidence to say what I want to this particular person." You know what you want to say, you now need to really specify exactly what you want to say to that person. This is the start. This is not the end of the building the confidence. Obviously there's lots of stages, lots of layers that we lay on top of this, but you start small because what happens is you create a belief that you can achieve it. As I said, attainable and realistic, you may not feel like it's realistic and attainable right now, but that is an achievable and attainable goal. So you specify exactly what you want to say and to who you want to say it, or exactly what you want to do and who you want to do it with or to or around or for yourself. You specify it. Now you know what you're aiming for. Once you know what you're aiming for, you then have a much easier task because you then reverse engineer. What do you have to do to be able to make that situation a reality? I'm not saying how this is going to necessarily be easy or hard. We sometimes make things sound more complicated than they are because humans naturally do this. Humans make things sound more complicated than they are because they want to feel more intelligent. The more complicated things are, the more intelligent we feel when we achieve it. The only problem is it becomes much more unachievable and much harder to achieve, the more complicated you make it. That means basically the simpler we make it, the more likely we are to actually do it. So defining the thing we want to do, we specify it, and then we reverse engineer from there because, as I say, if you want to talk to your co-parent, for example, your ex who you don't get along with about the children, you have the specifics in mind, now what do you need to have in order to achieve this conversation? Well, if your relationship with your ex is strained, you may need to have patience. You may need to learn how to communicate more effectively to get the outcome that you want. You may need to build up these other resource, more than just the confidence. Confidence will be one element to achieve that goal of saying what you want and doing what you want, living life on your terms. Let's reverse engineer. Confidence will feed your potential because, as I said, is it an achievable, attainable and realistic goal? Yes, it is. It could happen. There is potential. Now people may laugh at me and say, "My ex is unworkable. You cannot communicate with him." No one can be not communicated with. It's just you or anyone else has not found the way to communicate with that person effectively yet. Now people may argue with me here, but it's true. No one can not communicate. You cannot not communicate because everything you do is a form of communication. Even when they argue back with you, that's communication. Even when they reject everything you say, that's communication. They cannot not communicate. It's just how effective their communication is and then how we interpret that, how we deal with that, and then how we respond. Now most people will respond negatively to poorly executed communication. For example, if you go to your ex and you say what you think and believe that your opinion is the correct way to handle the situation and they respond negatively, you then respond more negatively back to them. It does not work. I'm not saying you're right or wrong. There is no wrong and right, just different approaches. The human needs are the human needs. There are six. You can either believe in the concept or not, but it's true and real and it affects us all. The human needs are the human needs, whichever one you prioritise over the other ones is individual to every single person, and they change, your priority of needs can change momentarily all throughout your life, every minute of every day. Now how people choose to meet those needs, positively, negatively, or neutrally. Now when I said about people being cheated on, and that it was about people meeting their own needs, people argued against me, saying, "It's not my fault he cheated" People said, "I feel like you're victim shaming." They believed that I was saying it's their fault that they've been cheated on, I'm not. It's not your fault you've been cheated on, and it certainly isn't acceptable behaviour in my opinion, but this is where one of the comments, one of these little phrases came out. "I didn't feel loved in the relationship either. I could've chosen to do that but I didn't. I made him feel loved every single day. I gave him everything." Now I'm not saying she did or didn't do all of these things. I don't know her situation. But this is grave mistake that people think when they have a victim mindset, whether they're fighting the victim mindset by telling themselves it's not their fault. They played a part. Whatever they were doing, whatever phase they're in, ultimately you do not know how someone else is receiving what you're doing. If you're communicating your feelings to someone in a way that doesn't meet their needs, not yours, but theirs, then the other person will not feel what you are trying to give. That's the punchline. Of course it's not your fault if someone cheated on you. They made that decision not you. You both may not have felt loved in that relationship. Just because you didn't cheat and they did, they made a choice to meet their human needs in a negative way. You choose to fight for your relationship. That means you met the need differently than they did. But it shows that they obviously weren't getting what they needed and wanted for them self in that relationship. It doesn't mean you did something wrong. It means that they weren't getting what they needed from the situation and they chose to meet their need in that given time by acting in that way. It doesn't mean it's your fault. But back to communication, back to confidence. Thinking that you're giving something to somebody in the way that's going to work for them is such a low level of awareness because the real truth is you don't know how someone's going to receive something you say. You may think you've communicated perfectly, but if it goes straight over that other persons  head, you offend that other person by saying something in a way you don't mean. You cannot get your head around why they're offended by something you've said, it doesn't mean you're wrong, just because you've offended someone doesn't mean you're wrong. But they're offended. So your communication didn't work for them.

If someone doesn't feel loved and you've given all your love to them, you may feel disheartened. You've given everything to them, but they don't feel loved. Maybe you're giving it in the wrong way. This is by no means a blame game, it comes back to communication again, just because you've done something, just because you've communicated doesn't mean the communication has been received and been effective. I really want to drill this in. You cannot not communicate. It's just whether it's effective or whether it's not. So confidence, belief systems. Your belief system right now is that you don't have the confidence. So if your belief system is you don't have the confidence, although the situations all have potential. Everything has potential. You just don't know how to harness the potential. If you don't know how to harness the potential, your belief systems will impact the potential, and the potential would affect the actions you take because you're not taking action or you're not taking effective action because you don't believe the potential is high for success. Therefore you only put half the amount of effort in to protect the other half of you. In case these actions don't work out and you get negative results because then you feed your beliefs, saying to yourself "See, I told you so." So what happens is your belief systems are not confident. "I don't have the confidence to do that", which then means that you don't think the potential's high, which then affects the actions you put into it, which affects the results. So you get poor results because of your poor actions because you didn't think it had potential. Which then feeds your internal belief system. "See, I told you I don't have the confidence." You just go around in a cycle. All of your relationships, all of your communication, or any of the other situations leading up to this moment right now, all of your experiences through life have built your belief systems. Whether something will happen or not, who you are, how it's going to work, all of it. Your belief systems are key. Most people have no idea, as I say, about what their belief systems are, what their values are, what's impacted them, what's happened to them as a child, what happened to them as a teenager, how their relationships were born, why they turn to the coping mechanisms that they do. Most people are unaware of where their coping mechanisms have come from. Therefore they don't know why they do certain things, why they turn to certain vices whether that's alcohol, food, or other negative things. Social media's becoming a big vice now. People turn to social media because it releases dopamine, by using your mobile phone and social media, it releases dopamine. It gives you that feeling of satisfaction, of happiness, of glee. Social media does that for you. When social media does that for you, you then start looking at everyone else's 'perfect life'. And again, we all know that most people are not putting their real truths on Facebook. People are not posting their deepest, darkest intimate secrets. Realistically right now people's self confidence and self esteem has never been lower as a society. Our self confidence, self esteem has never been lower. It's so easy for people to put filters on themselves and curate exactly what they want people to think. What they want people to see them as because their actual self confidence is so low and self esteem is so low. We're so brittle now. Everyone's getting soft. But the belief system has been created that it's okay to be soft. But then you feel like it's just you because everyone else is pouring this false belief into you that they're crushing life. They're strong, they're out there doing this that or the other. Their relationship is brilliant. So you kind of feel like it must just be me. It must just be me because everyone else is having a great time and smashing life. Talking about online dating, whether you're in a relationship right now or you're not. Everything is becoming now, now, now, now, now. Uber, you literally press a button and there you go, you've got a taxi. Fast food, Just eat, Deliveroo, the foods there at the click of a button. Time is getting traded so fast now. Everyone wants instant gratification. If you want a date, you don't have talk to somebody, you just swipe right on the app and suddenly you've got a date that night. It's so easy to meet people and get instant gratification. If you post a picture on social media so people press like, you feel attractive, you feel wanted, but if people don't press it, you're so bothered. People want instant gratification in so many areas. But life, relationships, career, these are journeys. They're not destinations. These are journeys. They're not destinations. So many things in life right now being filtered. People have the lowest self esteem they've ever had. People as a whole cannot deal with things going wrong. Their coping mechanisms have been taught badly, their wiring system from their childhood , they don't know how to cope. People don't know how to cope. People turn to drink, drugs, food, whatever it may be. People never learnt how to deal with stress. No one has taught them the life skills that they need. It's down to failed parenting strategies. It doesn't mean you were parented badly, and it doesn't mean your parents were bad parents, it doesn't mean you're a bad parent. Failed parenting strategy, it means the word strategy. The strategy that you use in any given situation hasn't worked because people don't know how to cope because if you did know how to cope, you wouldn't have low self confidence. All of these things combined, again, come down to your belief systems. Your belief systems are flawed. Your belief that you have no self-confidence, that you 'can't', is wrong, it's just wrong. Because do you know what the truth is? YOU CAN.

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