How do I get my carefree spirit back after being abused?

People tell me, “They took everything away from me, I was with a narcissist. How do I get myself back? How do I get my self-confidence back when I'm so broken and so ruined?” Whenever I get a question like that, I'm like, first of all, it's never one thing. It's not like you can do one thing and it's all going to be better. It’s a process. This whole thing is a process. When I ask people what they want, a lot of people say, "I want to be happy." And I say, "Okay, what does happiness look like to you?" And they then start to tell me things that make them happy, or what happiness looks like to them. So, it's stated in their words, as happiness to me is different to what happiness is to you. There's no set magical answer, because your magical answer will be very different to somebody else's magical answer. There's not one thing which is going to solve all your problems. People in every industry, even in the fitness industry are trying to sell you this lie. All of you have probably been on a fad diet, or a juice cleanse, or slim fast, or tried some magical thing that's going to solve all your problems in terms of diet – What a fucking lie! The only thing that's ever going to solve your dietary problems or your body image is to exercise more and eat less. You’ve got to get back to basics. Eat less, exercise more. That's how you lose weight, it's as simple as fucking that. There is no magical scientific solution and anyone who tells you there is, they're lying to your face.

Fuck being Content

 A lot of people then go on to use the word content. They want to feel content. I always challenge this, as I don't believe in being content, it’s not a word I ever use. In my opinion, content means that you're standing still – that's how I see it. So, if I'm content, I'm not progressing. And to not progress is not okay with me, that wouldn't make me happy, that would make me pissed off. To be content is to settle; you're not working hard enough, you're not achieving anything, you're not moving forwards. So, the word content never works out for me, so I always challenge people's words. 

Woe is fucking me

 The woe is me victim mindset is the biggest single thing that's going to ruin anyone's chances of success. “Why is life so tough for me, I've been treated so unfairly”. Yes, you it's not fair for anyone to be treated like that. It's not fair. My main problem with the questions that I get asked is the language that people are using… people often project “woe is fucking me”. Now before I get into this, let me take a moment to say that this is NOT directed at those people have been through horrific stuff in their time and I’m not taking anything away from anything anyone's ever been through. This includes bits from their childhood to their adult relationships – even to the present day. This can be from men, from adults, from guardians, from all sorts. People have been through horrible stuff, there's no taking away from that. There's no belittling what people have been through. But… The mindset you then stay in lets that person, or that thing, or that situation become your story, and therefore this becomes your identity. If you identify yourself as someone who's been abused, it’s very easy for you to always be that abused person. If you’re not careful, this becomes who you tell yourself you are. If you live your life saying “I got abused, so why is anyone going to love me?” that's going to be your story, and will become your identity. “How am I ever going to do this after I was abused?” Well, quite simply, you put the abuse to one side, you say “yes I've been through some horrible stuff, but that's the past, I need to deal with the past, but I want to focus on my future now”. The goal is to get to the point when you can say… “I need to come to terms with what's happened and why it happened and then look to how I can change, how I can learn about communication, how I can be better, so I never, ever feel like that again. I want to look at the past and work out all the things that happened, for me, so I can have a better future.” Lots of people when they start working with me say, "You know what, I should have left. I should have known better. I did know that this was wrong, but I let it continue. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough. I didn't want to be on my own. My lack of self-confidence made me believe that I wasn't going to be able to be loved by anyone."

Life's Not Fair

When you say it's not fair, no, sometimes life isn't fucking fair. Lots of times life isn't fair. Lots of times the way people treat people isn't fair. It's not fair what's going on in the rest of the world. It's not fair that kids in Africa don't have any food. It's not fair that people in my local city are homeless. It's not fair. It's not fair that some people have everything, and some people have nothing. It's not fair. It's not fair that some people have to go through horrible stuff.But there’s a difference in saying it's not fair and then allowing this to consume and define you. You end up saying “why always me? It just has to happen to me. Why?” 


 My point is if you start with it's not fair, that is what you will focus on and that is what you will find. I'm getting ranty now, because it's all about your fucking focus. If you focus on the fact that, “I was abused, so that I means I should just give up on fucking life”, or “I've been cheated on four times, which means every man is a lying cheating motherfucking piece of shit”, that's the story you're going to tell yourself. If you focus only on this, then your life is going to be shit, because you've told yourself your life's shit and always will be. For example, if you say “I don't have any time to socialise” or, “every person I meet in online dating just wants to see my tits,” this will become your reality, as it’s a self-proclaimed prophecy. It’s no accident. It's not like there's not a correlation. Everything is related to your mind, which is related to your focus. The only person who is in control of your mind, and whether you believe this or not, is you! We have control over our actions, words, and choices.

Take control

 At the end of the day who is in control of your actions? Who's in control of your relationships? You are. Now, obviously if someone abused you, you can't control their actions, you can't control that at all. But you did stay in the relationship. And yes, you can be coerced and controlled, and you can stay in relationships. But afterwards you know there were massive warning signs. People who get cheated on usually know that something's going on, but they don't leave because they're scared of being on their own. They're scared of the unknown, they're scared of this, they're scared of that. There are factors that we can all take away from a negative situation. You have to take responsibility for staying in that situation. In moments of anger, we lose control sometimes and we say things we wish we didn't say, or which we didn't mean. That's the difference. But once we label the stuff, the situations, the words, the environment, the relationships, as they're all doomed, we're doomed. Because as soon as you tell yourself there's no point in trying, you will fucking quit. None of us are ever at a point where we're like “I've cracked it.” We all can be better, we all can learn. We can all grow. 

If you don't try, you've already failed

 If you don't try, you've already failed. If anyone's sat there thinking “I'm scared of failure”, you're already failing if you don't do anything, because you're going to stay stuck in your shit existence. If you feel shit right now, and I'm not saying you do, but I'm saying if you do feel shit right now, do something about it! If you are scared of failing, scared of trying because if you fail, remind yourself that if you’re not trying, you’re already failing! 

Take that first step

 The things you've been through teach you lessons if you let them. If you try, and it doesn't happen first time around, you will fall down, and you'll learn that grazing your knees, hitting your head, metaphorically hitting your emotions, denting your pride, or denting your self-confidence, in the end, makes you stronger. Everything's a lesson. Fail, as in failure, F-A-I-L, stands for “first attempt in learning”. Fail actually stands for fucking learning. You're learning. So, failure just means we just get up and try again. And then we learn, and learn, and learn, and learn, and learn, and then we get places, we improve, we have motivation, we have confidence, we have courage. At least we can say if everything ends up in a fucking pile of shit, you know what, I gave it a fucking damn good go, didn't I? Return on investment (ROI) applies to life too. It fucking does. You get a return on the investment you put in. If you sit at home wallowing, guess what? You don't get no fucking happiness out. If you put loads of happiness dollars in the machine of your life, pull the fucking handle, hopefully if you've done all the cogs right, you'll get a positive ROI. And if you don't, you then change the cogs and do it again until you do. You try, you try, you try until you get success. Bosh.

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