Guilt, A Wasted Emotion?

Judgment and guilt is such a massive thing, why we don't do things because of what other people will think about us. So many people are bothered about what other people will think and it makes you do things or it stops you from doing things or it alters the way that you'll do things. Now I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing that you take a chance and you take time to think through your own actions whether you do want to do things or not, but so many people are not doing things because of what other people might think of them.

It goes further than this. Which is where we talk about dating and I've seen lots and lots of posts about dating or men, but it doesn't just have to be dating and men, it can be your ex. If you're currently getting a divorce or having a breakup and you've got kids involved, you're still going to have to communicate with that person 9 times out of 10. Unless they completely disappear, you are still going to have to have some form of communication with that person, and anytime you do have to communicate with that person, it upsets you, you struggle to deal with it, you don't ever resolve it fully, and it hurts.

People care far too much about what other people think. Even when you tell yourself you don't care what that person thinks of you, you end up deliberating over emails, you end up deliberating over what you say about the kids or what you do and how you act. If you've been married and you've been in a relationship for a long time with somebody, of course you're going to think about what you say back to them in an email or about the kids, compared to somebody who's on a first date with somebody. Even if you've met somebody online and you have no interest in them whatsoever, and you've told them that you are not interested, but yet they continue to message you. People get so bothered about why people still send the messages, why there are so many weirdos online, they stop dating online because of the 10 weirdo messages that they got. You're going to get weirdo messages from people online. That's just what happens when you go on online dating. There's weirdos out there. If you went into a bar tonight, you'd probably get looked at by weirdos but nowadays we can all hide behind our phone screens, so many people will hide behind their phone screen, say what they think, say what they want to say whether it's rude, as in sexual content, or whether it's just not very nice things.

I know it's easier said than done to not care what people think

Obviously people are going to care about what their husband says to them, or their ex husband says to them after an 18 year marriage, especially about their parenting, about the kids, about the communication, especially if they've just left them or cheated on them or really hurt them. But on a sliding scale from your friends and family and then obviously to people you don't even know, why are people getting so bothered? If you've sat there thinking, "Oh, I get bothered about what people think about me, I don't post on social media or I do look at people's social media and I judge my life on somebody else's success," I want you to start thinking about what you're actually doing. I had a conversation yesterday with one of my clients and I said, "If I got bothered about every single time somebody posted something negative on my public Facebook page, bearing in mind how many millions of people watch my videos, I would be seriously, seriously upset all of the time." And even if someone comes on and says, "I don't agree with you," fine, you don't have to agree with me, but there's no need to be rude. When someone starts calling people names, like anyone who's calling you names online who doesn't know you obviously has got more problems in their life than you ever will in yours. The comment back was, "I'm not like you," but like why not? Why not? Because somebody sent a message that wasn't well received. They didn't want it, from somebody they don't know, yet they got so bothered about this person. They just keep trying, obviously it's a man trying to see if they are interested in them. Why are they doing it? Trying to figure out this person that they don't know, that they've never met, they have no intention of meeting, and they end up judging themselves on what this weirdo thinks it's okay to act like? Who cares? Who cares whether it's a weirdo from the internet, or a stranger in the street. Who cares why they are doing the things they're doing? You can't control it. You can not control how other people act, and especially when it's online dating. If it stops you, and it's holding you back right now, it's the story you're telling yourself, making things into such a big deal when they aren't. It is easier sometimes said than done to see negative comments and negativity and just move on with it. But your life will change so much if you stopped caring so much about what strangers think about you. You're always going to care what your friends and family and especially your partners and kids think about you, you'll always care what people think about you in that sense, but if you are spending your life looking at social media profiles of people you barely know, or people that you're not really familiar with but you kind of half used to be friends with them when you were at school 20 years ago, and they look like they're having a perfect marriage and everything's fine, let me remind you, that 9 times out of 10 what people post out on social media is not how life truly is.

I've seen it first hand. Even the couples I know who are genuinely happy, posting on social media and then you speak to them, they have the same problems other couples do. She doesn't tidy up as much, he works all the time, she's got the baby, they still fight, they still argue, but they still post out on social media and everyone else would think everything's perfect. Life is like that. But if you get sucked into the vortex that everything that people post is true and fact, it will eat you up, especially if you've not got the life right now that you want. You see other people having it, you feel envious, you feel jealous, you want it, but you believe you should have it because everyone else has got it. You do not know what's going on behind closed doors and you're making false judgements, and we are all guilty of this. We don't know how successful people are. We don't know how happy their relationship is. We don't know whether their kids are really well behaved. They might put a picture of their kid asleep in bed and be like, "Oh my God, I've crushed it as a parent." But they might have wrestled that child to bed for two and a half hours and you're beating yourself up because you're not Mum of the year. You feel like you're not Mum of the year because it wasn't that easy for you to get your kid to go to bed. Well, sometimes kids don't go to bed easily. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they'll come back from Daddy's and it'll be magical and he'll tell you what a delight they were and you have to wrestle them to bed. That is just the way that it goes. But most people don't post that on social media, "Urgh, I had to wrestle my child to bed tonight. They were an absolute nightmare." No one posts that out about the tough times that they have, about having to get up 18 times in the night and how they were up at 4am and they're knackered and they feel like they're bedraggled. No one posts that up. Everyone posts the angelical picture saying, "My kid's so cute, everything's great." Most people do that and it makes you feel like, "Well, what am I doing wrong? What am I doing wrong that my child, although angelic at times, is a nightmare?" No one is being transparent and posting the reality of their life.  No one's got the balls or maybe it's just not appropriate to post a picture of them and their boyfriend saying, "We are really struggling right now." Now I don't encourage airing your dirty laundry in public, but this is the thing, we're seeing things from only one dimension, not two. Taking a picture of your partner and saying, "Things are so tough right now for us," posting this out on Facebook, "Things are so tough right now. We're struggling to communicate. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me" No one publicises that side of it. You only see the bit where they're happy again and they're posting pictures of them on some walk down a country lane with a dog and everything looks great. No one posts up about the bits where they fight and argue and have a difference of opinion. No one posts that bit so we're only ever judging a percentage of their life. If you have spare time and find yourself scrolling through social media because you're bored, because you're not fulfilled, because you're not chasing your passion, your dream, you will find false facts to do your own head in. If you have a vision which is not just a little goal, not just a big goal, a vision is an overall life that you're trying to create. A vision is something that you build and then you chase after. A vision for your whole life, what you truly want to achieve. If you don't have a vision, you'll find yourself getting caught up in small goals that don't truly fulfil you because you don't realise and you don't understand and you've not articulated to yourself what your vision is. If you don't have a vision, you don't have a compelling enough reason to have that get up and go every single day. Having a compelling vision, a really strong idea of what you are doing on this planet and what you really want to achieve, it controls everything. For example, I had a vision, I wanted to go on stage and win the British Bodybuilding title, I had a vision of being a bodybuilder. So when I got up at 5am and I really didn't want to do cardio, and I was starving hungry because I was eating restricted food for 16 weeks, the vision I had was greater than my desire to rest or relax or to stop. If that vision wasn't truly compelling, I would never have achieved it. I actually visualised it for myself every single day, seeing myself standing on that stage and being worthy, and what I told myself was going to happen if I didn't even try for that one second. If I'd only had a small vision of losing weight, two pound a week, or if it's something small, the vision wouldn't have been big enough. Your vision has to be so compelling that it drives you in the toughest moments to keep going through because anything in life is worth having is usually hard. Anyone who's made it, it's been hard work. Most people don't have a compelling vision, so if you don't have one, get one. Let's build one. Let's create one. Creating a compelling vision will fill your mind and your thoughts with drive and determination. So you don't spend your life scrolling through social media, looking at the 'picture perfect' posts of other people and beating yourself up for not having that. Create your vision and live your life, on your terms.

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