Do you run the RISK to get the REWARD?

I work with lots of single parents. I work with lots of people in relationships. But the skill set that I have also lends itself to helping people perform better in general. So actually I am technically a performance coach also, I say technically, I'm actually a qualified personal performance coach. This obviously revolves around money and people are prepared to part ways with a lot of money to make even more money. So people want to be at their best. You might wonder how I help somebody to make more money or be more positive? The relationship part of what I do and the positive mindset or the way that you can control your emotions and the mindset mastery that I help people and train people with and coach people in, obviously it works in relationships because if you understand the other person and what they want and need, you can have a better relationship at home or with your family and your friends, but also at work. If you can understand what other people want as a business, you then know what your customers want more. You know how to interpret information better, you know how to understand your team better, your staff, your employees, your board members, whoever it may be. You can communicate with them better, but also you can read situations. Now, this comes in very handy with stock traders. I work a lot with the stock market as much as I hate it and I love it. It's not very simple, but I'm going to make it really simple. It goes up and sideways and down. So you can either make money on the up, you can make money on the down, or you can lose a lot of money, right? I use the stock market in life metaphors quite a lot because in life we have peaks and we have troughs. It goes up and down. Life goes up and down and sometimes we actually move sideways. It's called trending sideways. So actually, although it may look like it's going up or down, it's actually not. It's just trending sideways. Being able to read the stock market, if you could do it well, you could make millions and millions of dollars every single day. If you don't, and if you don't know what you're doing, you can lose a lot of money every single day.

The people I work with, want to be at their best self to then make decisions based around financial risk. So it lends itself very well to relationships and your own self about taking risks, because after you've been in an abusive relationship, you then take a risk by putting yourself out there to be hurt. When you take a big position on the stock market, and when I say big position that means you take a big stake, you take a big piece of it, you'll put yourself open to risk. Everybody deals with risk differently. Some people are risk adverse and they're more limited, so they are more likely to stay away from risky situations. This also depends on their personality type. it also depends on their goals. It also depends on their management style, amongst other things. But some people are risk averse, so they like to stay safe. They like to be in their happy bubble all the time. So they don't often step outside their comfort zone. To make them step outside of their comfort zone, this is where it really gets interesting in psychology, to make somebody step outside their comfort zone, you have to find something that motivates them enough to want to risk it. Now, I talk about this a lot because I say everyone has a price. Now I use this in personal coaching all the time, whether it's relationship, whether it's yourself, everyone has a price. Now this doesn't have to be financial. It often is never financial. Just everyone has something they want. How much do you want the outcome?  Sometimes people will jump in feet first. Most people I talk to are either; "I will do anything for love" and they'll jump feet first; "I trust too easily, Ben," "I give too much, Ben," "I want to make it work and I just couldn't give up on my family. I believe and my belief system is that once you get married or once you have kids with somebody, you should fight, fight, fight, fight, fight for it."  I like that opinion, but I also like the opinion of people who are like, "I'm risk averse. I'm staying away from people because people have hurt me before. So I'm really cautious of anyone coming into my life who may hurt me and I don't know who's going to hurt me because so many people have hurt me, not just intimate partners, but friends have let me down. People have let me down, my parents let me down. So I don't know which way to turn." Now, whichever one you are, and obviously you can be somewhere in between, most people find themselves in one of those two brackets. They love too easy or they love too hard and both of them affect you very differently. This is the same as the stock market. Some people will get straight in and make money quick. You can either go in and go short, so you basically predict something's going to go down and you bet on the going down or you bet on the going up, basically. It's like gambling, but a very, very intellectual version. The reason why I like the metaphor so much is because how do you know something's going to go up or down? If you went into a bar to meet somebody tonight and you looked around the bar and you found no one attractive, would you be disheartened? No. You'd be out with one of your girlfriends, potentially may even be out with your kids in a restaurant or a pub, you wouldn't be disheartened if you didn't find anyone attractive because you're not there for that. You just went out. But when you're on online dating, you have an objective. You're trying to achieve meeting somebody. So if you don't find anybody attractive or nobody finds you attractive, you put significance on the fact there's nobody there to make you feel better about yourself or nobody's making you feel loved. If you look around the room and no one's really giving you the eye, you had a few nice conversations at the bar, but nothing's really happening, not many of you, from the conversations I've had with multiple clients in the past, no one gets disheartened by that. But as soon as they go online dating and they've not been asked out in the five minutes or they have dick pic central from people, they feel like they're a piece of meat. But I'm sure if you walked into a bar tonight and you dressed up, you've done your hair, you've done your makeup and you're wearing a nice dress and every guy in there looked at you when you came in, you would feel amazing. You'd feel great, you'd feel sexy, you'd feel confident, you'd feel nice.

Even if you found none of them attractive, you would still feel good that every one had looked at you in an appreciative way. Even if they'd made sexually indecent comments, you'd still appreciate the fact people found you attractive. But when we do it online, again, we seem to put a stigma on this that 'I'm not just a piece of meat'. Why are we putting that negative stigma on it? No, of course you're not a piece of meat, but it's still nice for people to find you attractive, whether they find you attractive for one thing or whether they find you attractive because they actually want to get to know you. That's a different question. But again, it's the meaning we give to the facts. But I've moved a little bit away from risk versus reward. But I still feel that was relevant and hopefully that's made you just have a little bit of think. Now, the bar example I use a lot. You get to choose what makes you happy. You get to choose what feelings you're trying to achieve. As I say, everyone has a price. What is your price? What are you trying to earn? What are you trying to achieve? Because if love is your ultimate goal, but you're putting things in the way of you finding it, do you really want it that much or are you just telling yourself that you want it because everybody else has it? If I see somebody doing something I want or having something I want, I try my hardest to go and get that thing if I really want it. If I see someone with something I kind of half like, I know that I don't really want it because if I really wanted it, I'd be doing everything I could to make it happen.

This is where risk versus reward comes in because the reward would be greater than the risk I see in going for it, which is just like the stock market. If you see the risk as high but also the reward as higher, your math goes, well that's actually worth the risk. But then you have to add in the other part. This is the part that no one likes. What about the consequences? People often are not prepared to deal with the consequences. If that risk goes wrong, the consequences are that you have your heartbroken again. The consequences going into the stock market, making a wrong decision, is you lose a lot of money, which obviously messes with people's mental health. It messes with people a lot when they lose lots of money, even if it's not even their money they trade. So you do have to be prepared for the consequences, but you have to be honest with yourself about what those consequences are likely to be. Again, that comes into risk. What's the likelihood that that will happen? How certain are you? How far do you have to go into this? Again, if we're using a relationship example, you don't have to move in with somebody to get an ideal picture of whether they're going to be a good fit for you. You don't have to jump in feet first. You can take things very, very steadily with people. Therefore, the risk to you getting hurt is low. Yes, it may be another person who lets you down, but the reward could be that they just might be the person you've been waiting for your whole life. Risk versus reward, add in consequences, add in how much you truly want it, add in a side bit of patience, this is what it takes to develop your skills to develop who you are. This is why I ask people to think about things not so two dimensional. Life is not only 3D, life's got so many angles and so much perspective. It's just about which perspective you choose to live your life. It really does because you can put a spin on anything you want to. If you want to, you can make the story that you want to have for your life. And people are going to go, "Oh, I can't control other men." No, you can't control other men. You can't control other people. You can't control anything apart from yourself, but you can control yourself and although you may find right now that you are struggling to control your mindset, your mood, your state, you can control it. You just have to learn how. Like the people who drive, the people who can ride bikes, you didn't just get on one or get in your car and know how to do it. You have to learn. This is where you look at how much do you actually want the things. Are you prepared to fail driving lesson after driving lesson because you need to pass your test because everyone else passed their test. Or because you live in a rural town and without driving you won't be able to ferry anyone around or get anywhere. Is it that important to you that you need to do it? If someone's not bringing you value, if you don't think something's going to bring you value, you don't need it. Same as family, parents, brothers and sisters, if they are not giving you value and when I say giving you value, bringing something to your life that makes you feel better, that makes you feel positive, you should subtract the amount of time you give to them and add more people or more things that give you value and make you feel better, which goes back on to surrounding yourself with positive people and positive things. That can be as harsh as having to remove family members who are negative around you, people who tell you all the time, things won't work out, you can't do this, that's not how it works. The amount of times I've heard people say "that's not how it works" I'm sure most of you have heard of the company Uber, which is a taxi company where you press a button on an app on your phone and a taxi turns up. The amount of times that people said that will never work, they said it would never work. They said that Uber will never replace the good old taxi. It's now worth 64 billion last time I looked. Uber is a prime example of people saying "It will never work." "No one will ever just communicate through Facebook" 10 years ago, no one thought the whole world would revolve around our mobile phone when it was about the size of a brick and didn't have a touchscreen and you had to press the number five about 20 times to get a K because you kept getting the big K and a little k and a big K then a 5. No one thought it was going to happen. People that had said, "That'll never happen. That will never happen. I'll never meet the perfect guy. I'll never have children," and then go on to have children. Some people will say so many negative statements that have been programmed into us because our teachers said you'll never amount to anything because someone told us that's not how it works. Who are these someones? Someone said, or people said, you know that saying, "people say." Who are these people who say it? You control what you say to yourself. You control the inner dialogue in your own head. So today, whatever you take from this, take away the fact that you control what can happen in your life. You're the only chokehold on your own life. Just like a business owner is the only chokehold in a business, or the biggest one. You are the biggest chokehold on your life. So right now I ask you to look at what you're doing right now that is self-sabotaging or being destructive to your own life with your self-talk, with the devil that's on your shoulder, by letting that devil have enough volume, by surrounding yourself with negative people, by hanging out with your ex, by talking to somebody who isn't beneficial for you, whether it's the co-parenting relationship you have with your ex, whatever it is that's not serving you and helping you grow as a person is helping you die as a person. Obviously I don't mean die as in die die, but as metaphor. In business, you're either growing or you're dying. And in relationships, if your relationship is not growing, it's going backwards. There is no standing still. Even when the stock market is going sideways, it's still trending. It's still doing something. Those sideways shifts are it doing something. It's preparing for something. You don't stand still in life. You don't stand still in relationships. You don't just tread water because treading water tires you out before you sink. So you can either sink quickly or you just go for it and risk it, to go back to risk and reward, risk having positive success and positive change. That's what I wanted to bring to you today and I hope that has given you some value and I hope that's given you lots of food for thought. What are you doing to risk something to put yourself out there, to put yourself out of your comfort zone, to take the chokehold off your life, to be happy, to be successful? Because the reward of that happiness is worth it. What is a small investment to getting your life back? There's no price you can put on your happiness. There's no price or worth that you can give to being the best person and parent and you can ever be. There is no value to that. It's priceless. It's priceless in my opinion. It's priceless to be the best Dad I can be. It's priceless to be the best person I can be. And I just want to be the best person for my daughter, for everybody I care about and how do you put a monetary value on that? You can't. You can't put that monetary value on that. People who tell you they want stuff but they do nothing to show you they do, their actions don't align with their words, their words don't align with their actions. So I ask you to look at all the various different things I've talked about. Now it's your job to go away from this and piece together how all this stuff's relevant to you, personalise that to you, and then implement it because can you listen to me talking about stuff forever and a day. If you don't action it, if you don't implement it, it won't work. You have to do something. Knowledge is only power if you execute. So I urge you today to go and execute because nothing will change unless you make the change. So today, go make the change.

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