Commitment

Something that happened yesterday got me thinking about the word commitment. So, I drive a business car. It's not my personal car, it’s a business car. Obviously, I own the business but it's a business car. Technically, I don't pay for it. This is not my car. The car is ready to go back because it has a time limit, they go back and you get another one. So I’ve been getting asked lots of questions about the next car, just the normal standard stuff around a new car and a three-year deal. Bear in mind, this is on a deal as well, and I'm committed to paying for this. But this weird little thing came over me like, "But what happens if something happens in the next three years and I don't want that car or I don't want to make those payments or any other commitment issue?" I already have a car that's paid for every month through the business. I'm not saying no to the new car but it started to challenge my own thinking of where does this commitment thing come from?

Then I started thinking about other things. Like freedom, I like freedom. I started looking at the human needs, I start breaking this stuff down, looking at client situations, going through my notes. Figuring out how different people in my private Mastermind group or different one-to-one clients are thinking and acting with their human needs for certainty, uncertainty, variety, all that sort of stuff. The car situation had obviously spurred it all off because I am not afraid of commitment. We have other things that we're committed to, like I'm sure you already have a tenancy agreement or a mortgage. That's commitment, right? But some things you're less scared of getting committed to than others. A new partner's obviously commitment. You've decided to commit, even though there's a risk of potentially getting hurt. Do you ever ask yourself questions about where your fear comes from, in terms of commitment?How do you view commitment? Is that something that holds you back or are you someone who doesn't mind commitment?Is that something necessarily in a relationship, necessarily with buying things, going places? I always like to be able to arrive when I want, and I don't like to be held down to a time slot. I like to be free. I like total freedom. I believe, most of you guys know, I want to live my life on my terms. Not on the terms that somebody else specifies for me. That comes down to my beliefs and my upbringing, my childhood, I want things on my terms. I don't want to be told that you have to check out at 11:00 from a hotel or arrive at a certain time. I want to do what I want. For example in restaurants when they have offers, you can save by doing this deal. That's not what I want. I don't want that set menu. Even if it is cheaper, or you get this extra bonus toy! I don’t want that. I just want that how I want that. It's not fear of commitment I just want what I want.I want what I want, and I don't want something else to stand in my way of what I want. Obviously when I'm making plans, I'm not one to break my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I'm going to do something unless the other person also agrees to change those plans. I don't like changing plans I have made with other people so I just don't make plans often. Unless it's work related, then I make plans. But when it's not work related, I don't make many... I don't make personal plans. I don't make plans with my mates. I'm like, "I'll do it if I fancy it on the day. If I don't fancy it, I won't."

It’s Just how I am. I don't want to be committed. It's like, "Ooh, I told them I'd be there at that day, date and time," and then that sometimes holds you back, sometimes it doesn't. It's interesting to be thinking about this. It's like a can of worms. A can of worms opening up this perspective and opening up this fear or this area of commitment. Which human needs are important to you? Is it freedom? Is it fear? Is it anxiety? Where is it? What is that thing? I don't just leap into things, whether that would be a relationship or whether that would be a decision. If it's something that has an element of commitment to it, a longer-term commitment, I don't just run into it. I make sure I am a hundred thousand percent sure. It's not necessarily the thing it is. It's more the longevity of it because I have to be committed. If I'm asked "What's your calendar looking like for in three months to go on holiday?" I'm like, "I'm not booking a holiday for three months' time." When the sun is shining and the summer's hot in the UK. I'd be like, "I should have gone when it was shit weather." A lot of the holidays recently that I've been on, for example when I go and see my mum in Kenya, I booked the day before or two days before. I was like, "Right, I'm going to fly to Kenya tomorrow." I'm going tomorrow, pack and go. There's no thinking time. It was "I'm going to go tomorrow." Bang. Obviously, not everyone has that flexibility to be able to do that, but even with previous holidays, I’m not someone that likes to look forward to stuff, like others might.

Are you a person who likes to pre-plan your life and look at your calendar for the next six months or year? And know where you're going to be and what you're going to do and which weekends you have free, which weekends you have birthday parties? Or are you somebody who's just like, "I'm going to do what I want"? Where in between that, and why are you in between that? If you are in between that, what's the driving force behind that? I'm a walking contradiction. For example, I like to know where I'm going to be. I like to do the same things. I like to go to the same restaurants. I like to go on the same train, all that sort of stuff. I had a conversation with a client the other day about this. I like to plan spontaneity. For example, right now If one of my clients said, "I'm in London today, Ben. I'd love some coaching. Here's my money can you come to London." I'd literally just get my team to book me a ticket from the same train station to travel to Kings Cross and go, because I know that train route. I know where I'm going to sit. I know how it's going to go. It's not much uncertainty for me. It'd be spontaneous and fun. I'd be like, "I'm off to London! Woo! Because It would be justifiable fun, but it's controlled because I know. If someone said to me, "Hey, travel somewhere you don't know," I'd still probably go.Well, I definitely would if it was work, but then it would be be a different set of procedures, thinking in my brain would be a little bit different. You have some certainty. You have certain bits that are in your life. This certainty and then you have almost, I have these almost designated time frames to be uncertain. For example, my diet, I eat ridiculously structured throughout the day. It's all pre prepped. I have it all in my bag. It's literally the same times every day. My alarm goes off on my phone to warn me to take tablets 20 minutes before I eat. It's all pretty boring.It's all structured, fish and rice and all that sort of food all the way throughout the day. That's my structure, my routine. I do the same thing everyday, the morning lives in my Mastermind coaching group, my gym training, all the rest of it. Then there's a period of my day, almost booked in my head for change. There's the bit where if I can do things that are not in the plan. It controls, like Monica from friends, "It's only fun when it's got rules on it." I'm not about the rules, I'm all about the structure.Which keeps me stable, because otherwise there's going to be too much wibbiling and wobbling, which is just looking at who you are and how you respond. Everyone's different. High commitment in work equals freedom out of work. Yeah, you work your face off, you earn lots of money, you can do what you want. That's the whole goddamn point. People get this wrapped up in their head. You work so hard that you then never have to work, but most people skip the working so hard part and they just want to not work. You have to do the hard part first and then build it and then you can sit back on your ass with a cocktail. But you have to do to hard part first. People sometimes skip that part. Or think they can skip that part. Visualising how you want your life to look like and then what it needs to take to get there. You have to visualise. You're not saying you have to see it to believe it. That is a statement of, you have to see something to believe it. When you can visualise something in your head, you can picture it, you can plan it out. How it's going to run, how it's going to work. You start to believe it may well be possible and if you don't do that, you massively hamper your progress. Because people don't know what they want. As I always say, if you try and ask your SatNav for directions when you don't give it a destination, it doesn't work. What is going to make me commit? I want to be committed because I want safety, security, a comfortableness with certainty rather than having uncertainty. It's kind of circumstantial, isn't it?If you've been in a relationship of 20 years and you come out of it, you're like, "This is fucking freedom!" Some people don't like that. Some people who come out of a relationship for 20 years and go, "Oh my god. I don't want to be out of this. I like the comfort zone. I liked all the certainty. I don't like this new found freedom. I don't know what to do." Whereas, other people thrive in it. Other people love it. It's looking at what one you are, why you're like that, how to embrace it or how to live with it. How to overcome it, how to change it if you want to, and how you can then use it to your best effect. 

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