Are You Fighting With Yourself?

Self-belief strategies. I talk about self-belief a lot. You believe things because of your internal belief systems. I talk about belief systems all the time. I believe there are two ways that people build their belief systems initially. Belief through proof, or belief through theory. People who believe in God, in Jesus, in Allah, or have any other belief religion-wise, they have no proof. Now, some people may argue that, but technically, they have no physical proof. They have not seen God. They have not seen Jesus. Some people may say they've seen the light, but they've not actually seen Jesus sit down beside them and say, "Hello, I'm Jesus." They've not seen it. It's not proven fact. They are going on a theoretical belief. They may believe it with all of their head, heart, and everything else, they may fully believe it but, they have no proof. So, their belief is completely based on theory. Other people have a set of beliefs, or believe in something, because it's proven right in front of them. So for example, if you haven't driven into a tree, belief through theory is, that it would really hurt. I believe it will hurt to drive my car into a bollard. I believe and think that it will hurt. That's not proven. I've not done it before. I don't have personal proof, it is proof through theory and through seeing other people do it that I believe it. So, my belief system is, through proof of other people crashing into things and feeling pain, that it will hurt and cause me pain. During our childhood, we are brought up to think and believe that certain things will hurt, that some things are not good for you, that some things are good for you. We should go to school, we should get an education, we should get a job, we should be kind to people, all sorts of things, depending on your upbringing. Forming beliefs through theory. Your parents teach you stuff, you believe it. Those teachings, the things that we are told, shown and taught, controls and sets your own internal belief system. By the time you're seven or eight, your core belief system is set.

If you start to look at what you believe and why, it links to your values, your beliefs, and your ideas of what you believe, and the ideas and thoughts that you have in your head. They come from your brain, which is where it gets really interesting. There's something called cognitive dissonance, this is the mental stress that your brain experiences when your belief systems conflict and clash. Two belief systems that are currently running in one head that conflict with each other, which causes the mental stress of cognitive dissonance. There are four main paradigms within cognitive dissonance.DisconfirmationInduced ComplianceFree ChoiceEffort justification  Disconfirmation: When your beliefs get challenged, for example, if you believe your partner would not cheat on you, that's a belief system. You believe that will not happen. Lots of people believe that things won't happen to them, until they do happen to them and then, sometimes even after it has happened to them, they still refuse to believe the facts that are right in front of them. This is where the red flag situation comes in, you have a relationship that you believe is faithful, something happens to clash your belief system, if you believe that person would never cheat on you and they do, obviously that hurts, but people often believe things won't ever happen to them and refuse to acknowledge that it is happening or that it has happened and this is because of cognitive dissonance. Some people have the belief it will happen to them, but most people have the belief that it won't or it's not something that's going to happen to me. How many times has something happened to you, and you've seen the red flags, you know they're there and you've convinced yourself they are not what you think they are, you've talked yourself out of seeing the truth because of what you believe in? You've either gone to your friends, or to your family members, and you have tried to convince yourself that the evidence and proof that something's gone wrong, someone's cheating on you, someone's lying to you, whatever it may be, is not the case. You've tried to not believe it.

If we then look at wanting self-belief, to want self-belief is great, you want that belief system, but if you refuse to believe what is staring you in the face and you run away from the belief system of self-belief. Let's go back to the two paradigms I said at the beginning, belief through proof or belief through theory. If you want to have self-belief, you can either believe in yourself through just core belief, like me, or belief through theory or proof. I believe in myself, I don't need proof, although I have the proof that I can carry things out. If someone said to me, "Ben, do you reckon you can do this?" I believe in myself enough through theory, not necessarily through proof as I may not have done that thing before. If I didn't believe in my ability to do something, I would go out and prove to myself I could do it. Hence, why I set a lot of goals, I prove to myself I can do it, whatever it is. When you are unclear about what you believe in, you don't know who you are, because you don't know which belief system is the one to choose. You don't know which one is true. Because for example, if that person cheated on you and now you've met somebody else. You don't know if this guy's going to cheat on you too, because your belief system's saying, "well, the last one did but this guy's not done anything to me yet. He's not done anything to make me believe that he'll cheat, but other people have cheated". Therefore, your brain is entering cognitive dissonance. Mental stress regarding the conflict of your beliefs. The mental stress around the conflict of your beliefs, which we all have this. This links into when I talk about high standards, low expectations. If you expect something, and it's not what you expected, you experience cognitive dissonance. You know, that part that feels disappointment. Where you were expecting one thing to happen and it either didn't happen, or something different happened. It's cognitive dissonance, because your brain doesn't know, we try and convince ourselves that things aren't the way they are, and we run and hide from the truth all the time.

Induced compliance: Induced compliance, to put context on this, narcissism and gas-lighting are forms of induced compliance. Induced, which if we talk about babies, we've made the baby arrive, we're inducing it, we're bringing it, which is what gas-lighting is, in terms of narcissism. Compliance is getting someone to do what you want. So, with beliefs, induced compliance means you are setting the belief system in somebody. If I split a room of one hundred people into two groups of fifty, into two teams, I put each group into separate rooms, and I told each group what we were going to do. If I told group one that, we're going to do the most boring task possible. We all know it's a boring tasks but, I'm going to pay you £50 to do the boring task.I reaffirm to them that it's really boring, and we're going to have a really boring hour. Boring, boring, boring. In the other room I say, "Guys, we're going to do the best thing ever." And, I pump them full of positivity, motivation, I talk about the tasks, yes, they're boring tasks, but it's going to be exciting and fun and interesting. We can make this fun. We can make this interesting. I tell this group that at end of the task, I'm going to give them £1. The difference in the two groups, the people who have been told it's positive, it's interesting, that it's fun, are doing the same tasks and getting paid £1, and the people who are told this is going to be boring are going to get £50. It's conditioning. Afterwards, the group who come out of the first room, who've been told it will be boring, shock, horror, even though they've been paid £50, will say it was boring, and, the other group come out and say, "Yeah, it was all right, pretty interesting, pretty fun." Even though both groups have completed the exact same task. They have done exactly the same thing. They are just conditioned differently. The beef that they were given before starting the task was different. Which is the same when we talk about confidence, beliefs, children, parenting, core relationships, if you believe something is going to be crap, you then make it crap. You either make it crap for yourself, you self sabotage. Or, you just have the induced compliance to comply with what you've been told, what you have been conditioned to think and feel. That belief, or conditions can come through various different things, for example, social pressure, parenting, what you have witnessed, amongst many other possible contributing factors. It's actually your brain. Your brain, what you tell your brain and what you allow your brain to be told For example, if you start working at a factory, and people who work there say, "I mean, hey, it pays well, but it's a pretty monotonous job," you then have that instant induced compliance because they have said that, it's going to be that way, that it's a monotonous job. Whereas, if you joined a factory and the people who work there say, "We have a great life here at work. Everyone's really great, the social network's great. We get the job done. We have a great time." It's the same job, it is just the culture that is different, which is why, when I work with businesses, the culture is the key to getting new people and getting current people to want to stay and to want to work. It's about motivating people and rewarding people by encouraging them to want to be better. If you put this back into relationships and back into yourself and back into your children, what we educate our children to believe is what they will believe. It is induced compliance. You've set the belief, for example, so many Mums I talk to, when they go do the weekly food shop, they say to their children "I know it's going to be boring, but we're going to go food shopping. Don't give me that. I know it's going to be dull." You've just conditioned them that it's going to be boring and dull. Whereas if you said, "We're going food shopping. It's going to be a world of fun. You can get three toys or snacks. We're going to shop for one hour. It's going to be a game. Let's go have fun." You set that belief in them from the beginning, they believe it will be fun, they love the shop. Because you've conditioned them to believe that it's fun and exciting. It's the same with relationships, communication, it's the same with everything. The things you tell yourself and condition yourself, and other people, it is induced compliance, what do you want to believe?  Free Choice: Free choice, which is pretty self-explanatory. You have free choice to believe whatever you want. That's the thing, you're in control of your own brain. This one's a lot more complicated than it sounds, because free choice sounds very simple. Free choice, well then, why aren't we doing what we want? Because the set of beliefs that have been instilled in us tell us that we can't do what we want, hence, why there's a battle between your other beliefs and your belief in free choice.  Effort justification: I love effort justification. Effort justification is when people try and justify the effort they've put in, to try and achieve a goal. People will justify, "But I've tried my hardest." Which is them justifying the effort that's gone into the task to try to gain the result. They have not necessarily achieved the result, but they're trying to justify the effort they've put in to justify for themselves that they tried. This is where that loop of self-sabotage comes in. The beliefs go into the potential. The potential feeds the actions. The actions feed the results. And then, round and round in circles, right? So, if you have the belief system that you have no self-belief, you'll limit your potential. Then, you'll take minimal action, and then, you'll get poor results, and your belief system, you'll say, "See, I told you so." This is where people differ, because of different personality types, this is where DISC profiling comes in, different personality types will present things in different ways. People sometimes think it's the taking part that counts, the participation, versus other people are only interested in getting the job done. This is where the personality profiles come in. So for example, if you are on the people orientated side of DISC, rather than the task side, you'll think, "Well, I tried my best. I participated in the team. We had fun." Whereas a strong D personality will be driven and determined to get the job done, participation and having fun don't register as so important to a D personality. Using a building analogy, if someone builds you an extension, and they leave it half finished, and then the builder wants praise for the job well done because they've got to halfway, you are like, "Well, yeah, but it's not finished." If the builder was trying to justify their efforts, they would reply, "Yeah, but look at what I have done, I took all day to do that."and you reply "Great, but it's not finished." It's the conflict between the effort provided and finishing the task. Different personality types plays a big part in this. Life is a journey, rather than a destination, but there are certain goals that you have, that are destinations that you're trying to achieve. If you do not get there, if you don't actually achieve the result, self-regulation of your own feelings and own belief systems about why you're doing the things you're doing, and where they've come from, and finding out why you believe the things you do, why you do the things you do, how you've gotten to the place you have. Why you do things, how you do things, why you say things, why you want things is vitally important. Your human needs, which one you're trying to meet, what you're trying to create with your actions. Most people don't even know why they're doing the things they're doing, and then trying to question why they feel the way they do. Why they feel the way they do, they question it because they don't understand all of the reasons why. This is not about beating yourself up, it's about learning more about who you are. It's about self-reflection, rather than self-criticism.

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